


Don't Forget the Sun

by I_am_a_Ruin



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Attacks, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Author doesn't speak Spanish, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Cuban Lance (Voltron), Depressed Lance (Voltron), Depression, Gay Keith (Voltron), Gen, I am really surprised that isn't a tag yet, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Inspired by a Tumblr Prompt, Keith really just wants to help, Lance might be a little OOC, Langst, Pining Keith (Voltron), Scratching, Self-Harm, Suicidal Lance (Voltron), Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Hotline, Tags as warnings, lance needs a nap, sorry - Freeform, suicide hotline au kinda, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-05-25 20:09:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14984672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_am_a_Ruin/pseuds/I_am_a_Ruin
Summary: “Hello? It’s me, again. Lance.”“Hello, this is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Did you say your name was Lance?”Keith hears Lance making a late night phone call and out of growing concern, snoops on the boy's phone. After realizing Lance isn't as peachy as he tries to pretend, Keith decides to make some changes in their relationship





	1. Lifeline

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, some real quick notes:  
> Firstly there will be very little, if any, Klance. I really want to focus this on the mental health aspect and people trying to assist someone who is suicidal. Keith does have a little crush, but I have no intentions of progressing that aspect because he is largely concerned with just taking care of Lance.  
> Secondly, READ THE TAGS. I'm forgetful by nature, so your tags are your warnings. Please do NOT proceed in this if any of them might be triggering for you. I will do my best to update them should I add more content that could be triggering. If you find something I didn't tag, please let me know in the comments. It is my first and foremost concern to keep readers safe. I love you all so much.

“Hello? It’s me, again. Lance,” he was doing his best to keep his voice down because Keith was in the other room trying to sleep and their walls were paper thin. He couldn’t bear for Keith to overhear this conversation.

“Hello, this is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Did you say your name was Lance?” a soft voice asked over the line.

Lance took a breath, his voice shaking as he tried to stifle a sob, “Yeah.”

“Okay, Lance. My name is Hunk. What do you want to talk about?” Hunk’s voice was so kind, it just made Lance cry harder, a hand over his mouth to muffle any noise. He didn’t deserve kind.

God, why was he doing this? He didn’t know what he wanted to talk about. He just was so scared and it sounded easier at the moment to burden a stranger who’s actual job it was to listen than his flatmate who hadn’t signed on for some depresso.

“Lance, you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. Neither do I. I can just listen if you want,” Hunk offered gently.

“I am really fucking scared.” Lance blurted, hating himself for swearing right off the bat. “God, sorry. I-I… I am just so lonely all the time, you know? I haven’t made any friends here and… I wish I could go back home, but… my family is counting on me. I am supposed to be the first one to make it to college. But everyone here just ha-hates me.”

“Do you mind if I ask a question?” Hunk inquired after Lance had fallen silent for several moments.

“Go ahead, I suppose,” Lance muttered, fingers digging into the ankle he was clutching like a lifeline.

“Where are you from? You mentioned wanting to go back home.”

“Cuba.” Lance sighed, nails pinching harder and harder and wondered if Hunk was having trouble with his accent. He was teased enough for it in class. Even his professors were constantly asking him to repeat himself. Lance had tried so hard to study English his whole life to make it in school, but he hadn’t anticipated his accent would be such a problem. He had been working recently at ridding himself of it, trying more and more to sound like Keith. Even though Keith hardly spoke so it wasn’t very easy to pick it up.

Lance got fidgety, anxiety swelling at the silence, and the need to fill it with anything at all overtook him, “And I’ve called here before. But, I, um, normally hang up… like, right away. I am sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize. Did you know that actually a good portion of the calls I’ve had just tonight hung up within the first few minutes?” Hunk informed him.

“Doesn’t that scare you, though? How do you not worry about them?” Lance asked, momentarily distracted.

“I do, but I just have to hope they call back eventually or find someone else to talk to like you’re doing right now.” Hunk explained.

“I have a plan.” Lance blurted, that wave of utter desperation crashing over him again. He just wanted to claw his skin off. Something, anything to just end it all.

“Would you mind telling me what it is?” Hunk asked when Lance just continued crying.

“I-I was going to fill… the bathtub and… but I was scared of my flatmate finding me like that, you know? And I’ve been watching  _ 13 Reasons _ and I just... don’t want it to be like that. I don’t re-re-really think he would even  _ ca-care _ , but… I-I sort of think it is still awful to do to someone. So… I figured it might be easier to just… um, jump. My… My building is ten stories. But I’m s-scared be-because I’m a… I don’t know the word, fuck. I swear I knew it but…  _ Soy un jodido coño. _ I’m so sorry. I’m such a wreck. I’ve studied English my whole life and all my friends knew every swear but of course, I can’t remember… And my accent is probably annoying you. I should just hang up. I am so stupid” Lance rambled with a hard shake of his head, having a harder time getting the words out the more frantic he got.

“Your accent is not annoying at all. In fact, I actually really like it. It has a nice sound. I’m afraid I don’t know any Spanish, though. I do think it was brave of you to call. It can be really hard for people to admit they need help. And it was also really brave of you to come to study in America. It can’t be easy. Do people give you a hard time for it?” Hunk said.

Lance did laugh this time. “Everyone does. I try really hard, but everyone always asks me to repeat myself and mocks me. I hate it. I hate being from Cuba, even though it used to be my favorite place. I just feel so fucking alone all the time. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. America is supposed- It is supposed to be this place to come to g-get ahead and, and make it but… since I have been here I just want to die all the time.”

“Did you ever feel like that before you moved here?”

Lance found himself shrugging which was stupid as he was on the phone. The skin on his ankle finally broke little spots of red beading up under his nails. He hissed in pain. “Y-yeah. Not… um, wanting to die? But I have been s-sad for a long t-time. My-my older sister died a f-f-few y-years ago and… It was hard. I don’t know what to do without her.”

Lance cried into the phone for a long time and Hunk stayed quiet. “I-I for-forgot how much… How much I  _ miss  _ her, you know?”

“Have you talked to anyone about this?” Hunk asked.

“N-no. My whole family has moved on. We’re supposed to just… be-be tough. But it is so draining pretending all the time I don’t miss my sister. Sh-she…”

“Do you have any other siblings, Lance?”

“Two: little brothers.”

“Don’t you think it’d be really hard on them to lose you too?”

“I’m not strong like Veronica. She was in an accident. Killing yourself is so fucking weak. Exactly what I am.  _ Dios mío, solo quiero morir. Estoy tan cansado.” _ Lance sobbed, growing more hysteric as he spoke. He rambled for a few more moments before just hanging up the phone and tossing it off his bed. He bowed over, wrapping his arms desperately around a pillow. He didn’t even care anymore if Keith heard him crying. What did it matter? He was just going to die soon anyway. Then he wouldn’t be such a burden for Keith. He wouldn’t be a burden for anyone anymore.

He didn’t mean to cry himself to sleep, he had just meant to work up enough energy to move as he began to feel lower and lower, exhaustion sweeping over. However, Lance ended up waking up when Keith did and just rolled over to stare at the ceiling. Fucking fantastic. He had to wait the whole fucking day now because otherwise, he’d risk being caught and stopped.

Maybe it’d be better to get some pills from the store with the money he had leftover and just OD in some park or some shit.

His stomach complained loudly as Lance rubbed his face, trying to stave off the beginnings of a headache. That was one of the downsides to crying himself to sleep, he always woke up with throbbing headaches. He stared at the door to his room for a while, debating if it was worthwhile to bother getting up for food. He should probably just lay here in his miserable existence. But if he stayed there too long, Keith would try to wake him up and tell him to work on homework. Keith almost cared more about Lance’s grades than Lance did, and Lance was drowning in his stress over them.

With a heavy sigh, Lance forced himself to sit up and stumble out of bed. He swayed on his feet, hesitating as his brain tried to catch up with all the sudden movement. In the kitchen, he was surprised to find Keith making breakfast. Mind you, it was a bowl of cereal, but still. Lance usually had to make breakfast, even though Keith complained how bad it was all the time.

“Morning,” Lance mumbled, sitting heavily at their little table.

“How late were you up?” Keith asked, and when Lance just shrugged, Keith rolled his eyes. “Well, what were you doing on the phone at like, what, one in the morning? Because I know for a fact Varadero is only an hour ahead of us.”

Lance’s blood ran ice cold. Fucking shit, Keith had heard him. Fuck. What had Keith heard? Had he heard Lance crying? “I… I’m-I... don’t know what you mean.”

Keith scoffed, “I didn’t hear much, but you had to be talking to someone. I sure as hell don’t start conversations with myself with ‘hey, it’s Keith again.’”

Lance hummed, staring at his hands intently. His mind was scrambling for some kind of excuse, anything to say, but his tongue felt five sizes too big for his mouth and his heart was in his throat and his head had suddenly become a ghost town.

“Fine, don’t tell me,” Keith snorted, walking out of the room. Lance breathed a sigh of relief that Keith was letting it go. He stood up and searched through the fridge for something to eat.

****

It was definitely an invasion of privacy, but Keith couldn’t stand it anymore. Lance kept waking up with puffy, bloodshot eyes and looking like he hadn’t slept properly in weeks. And dammit, Keith was worried. At first, he just thought Lance was homesick, but after hearing some of the shit the kid was getting in the halls…

He finally found Lance’s phone between the bed and nightstand. He was actually a little shocked to discover it didn’t have any sort of unlock code. Lance was super naive. Keith pressed the Recently Called tab and then the little green phone icon next to the most recent number. It rang three times before someone picked up. He was mostly anticipating some toxic girlfriend, but definitely not,

“Hello, this is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.”

Keith just stood there dumbly, hand lowering a little to stare at the screen. “What?”

“Hello?” the woman’s voice prompted kindly and Keith hung up robotically. He stared at Lance’s things feeling like his whole view on this boy was falling apart. Sure he had been worried, but Lance was always so upbeat and… Fuck. What was he going to do with this? Had Lance gone through with it? What if Lance OD’d and it didn’t work? Lance should still be taken to the hospital, right? What was Keith supposed to do? It wasn’t like he could trick Lance into admitting himself.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Well, he had to do something. Lance was his friend. One of his only friends, actually and he wasn’t about to let him deal with this alone anymore.

Keith set the phone on Lance’s nightstand and walked out of the room. Lance was frozen in the kitchen, a tub of butter in one hand and gazing into the fridge blankly. Keith waited for a few moments to see what Lance was doing, but Lance didn’t move.

“Hey, Lance?”

Lance’s head snapped up. “Yeah?”

“You were zoned out there.” Keith pointed out, gesturing to their fridge.

“Right.” Lance put the butter back and pulled out a carton of eggs.

“Do you have any siblings back home?” Keith leaned against the counter, watching Lance cook.

“Uh, yeah. Two little brothers and… yeah.” Lance bit his lip, running a thumb over the smooth surface of the egg in his hand.

“That’s cool. I always wanted some siblings.” Keith smiled.

Lance shrugged. “Yeah. Actually, you never talk about your family. Tell me about them.”

Keith crossed his arms, feeling self-conscious. He hated telling this story, but maybe it’d help? Maybe Lance would talk to him about what was going on in his life? “Well… It’s sort of a sad story, I guess. I don’t normally tell people about it… Because my mom left when I was really little and my dad… He, uh, died when I was sixteen. Cancer, you know?”

Lance was quiet, the only sound the sizzling egg whites. No one ever knew what to say to that. “I can’t imagine losing my mom. My dad, well none of us really know what happened to him. Mom won’t talk about him. But she doesn’t talk about Veronica anymore either, so…”

“Veronica,” Keith prompted.

“She i- was my older sister.” Lance’s voice sounded funny, warbling a little near the end.

Suddenly Keith understood why everyone always apologized or some other dumb shit. There just wasn’t much you could say to that. Even after losing his own family, he wasn’t sure what the appropriate response was. He just had this overwhelming urge to hug Lance. Not because it would make it better, but just to let him know that Keith cared and was there.

“You know, I’m here if you ever want to talk about her. Or… anything else. I know it must be hard being away from your family for so long,” Keith offered lamely.

“Yeah. Uh, thanks. Same to you.” Lance nodded and flipped the egg so smoothly; Keith could never do that.

“Lance, would you mind making me an egg too?” Keith asked, still hungry despite the cereal. More than that, because it would keep Lance here for longer while Keith tried to find a way to make sure Lance hadn’t done anything stupid last night. Maybe convince him to seek professional help. Calling a hotline was a step in the right direction, wasn’t it?

“This is for you.” Lance offered him a smile over his shoulder and Keith returned it.

“Thanks.”

Lance hummed softly for a few minutes while the egg finished cooking. Meanwhile, he rummaged through their small cabinet space for a plate to slide the egg onto.

“Hey, Keith?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you ever….” Lance began, trailing off while he cracked another egg into the pan. “Uh… feel lonely?”

“Sure. I don’t really make friends easily, surprising as it sounds. People tend to find me… intimidating, I think.”

Lance laughed, but it sounded forced, fake. Keith took his plate, poking at the yolk absentmindedly, searching for something more to say. The yellow pooling out wasn’t giving him much. Nothing, actually.

“Would you like to hang out with me today?” Keith found himself asking.

Lance looked questioningly over his shoulder. “What’re you doing?”

He looked so suspicious as if the concept of someone wanting to spend time with him was a prank in of itself. It broke Keith’s heart. “Hanging out with a couple of friends. I think they’d really like you. Actually, a few of them have been asking to meet you.”

“You talk about me to your friends?” Lance looked stunned and a little… hopeful, maybe.

“Well, Shiro is always checking in to see if I’ve eaten because he knows I can’t cook for shit so I brag about your food sometimes,” Keith did his best to explain it away, hoping that Lance wouldn’t overthink it. He didn’t need Lance to know there was more than platonic feelings there. Lance needed some really good friends, not a significant other, not right now.

“I thought you hated my cooking.”

“No,” Keith shrugged, taking a bite of his egg as if to add to his point. “I just like give you a hard time.”

“Oh. Sure I guess. I’m not really doing anything else.”

Keith nodded, setting the plate down to pull out his phone. After a few failed googling attempts, he found a semi-helpful website. He kept glancing up at Lance everytime he had a new thought. Lance’s shirt was a short sleeve and his arms were clean. His sweatpants, however, covered his entire leg. So that ruled out nothing.

After getting a list of symptoms to look out for, Keith pocketed his phone. At the very least, he could keep an eye on Lance. Make sure he was safe and monitor him for any signs of overdose or some other dangerous symptoms.

  
  



	2. Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, a couple of things.  
> First warnings. Lance has a meltdown of sorts and it's very reminicscent of the scene from Cyberbully when Taylor tries to commit suicide and is busted. So if that triggers you don't read. Second warning is just overall terrible self-care. The most triggering part of this is Lance's eating. So triggering eating behaviors. Also self harm and slightly vague descriptions of a suicide attempt. Self-hate talk is also highly featured.   
> I had a really rough time writing this so this will probably be the last chapter. I won't mark it as finished if by some chance I find some inspiration to work through more showing Lance's recovery. right now, I'm not in a place where I can delve much more into this without harming myself. So I'm done with it and will not be writing more in the near future so please don't ask.  
> Thirdly, just proceed with caution. This is rough, unedited and just raw. For those of you that look stuff up like this to trigger yourself I'm begging you to not read. Please don't. Just take care of yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this monstrosity was supposed to be a hopeful little piece in which Lance gets to know Keith's friends and maybe later on has them to confide in. Like... Orange (the anime) style did. But then I realized this wasn't going to work like that. And so I ended up with almost 4k words of Lance snapping. So. I apologize in advance and hope that my extreme difficulty with writing this (it was like trying to swim through cement) did not impend the quality in any way.

The whole walk to the cafe, Keith felt bad for being on his phone so much. He had a valid reason, though. It was just that Lance looked so uncomfortable and he really should be calming Lance down and explaining how weird his friends were going to be. However, his top priority was contacting Hunk.

It was no secret that Hunk volunteered for a hotline. He was very vocal about his experiences and encouraged his friends to talk it up to others that might need it. Many times Hunk just had to vent about a tragic story he had been told (keeping it vague of course). So Keith trusted Hunk to be able to handle the information Keith had and help him figure out how to help. 

K:  _ I’m bringing my roommate today _

H:  _ Neat! What’s his name again? _

K:  _ Lance. Listen, can you help me keep an eye on him? I think… _

K:  _ I know that he called a suicide hotline last night and I’m worried _

H:  _ How do you know that for certain? _

K:  _ I overheard him on the phone and he’s been acting strange so I maybe _

K:  _ Okay, I snooped on his phone to see who he called. _

H:  _...I shouldn’t tell you this _

H:  _ Does he have a pretty thick Cuban accent? _

K:  _ Were you working last night? _

H:  _ …. Ye. I think… I might have been the one he talked to _

K:  _ Did you get the impression he was going to act on it because I can’t tell and I’m super worried _

H:  _ Keith, I really appreciate your concern. There’s really not much I can tell you about the conversation. I promise to keep an eye on him and I’ll let you know if I’m worried, okay? _

K:  _ We’re almost there. Is there anything I can do to help him? _

H:  _ Bringing him today is a good step. Try to not let him be alone for too long. He needs to know that people care. Be his friend. Just… don’t make it out of pity _

“Uh, so where are we going, again?” Lance asked quietly when Keith slid his phone into his pocket finally. 

“This little cafe my friends like. I think it’s called Balmera Brewery or something like that. It has this space age-y theme all of them are super into. They’re kinda nerdy like that, but…” Keith trailed off, hoping against all hope that Lance wasn’t into space stuff and felt like Keith was just insulting him. “It’s cool though. I kind of am hoping you guys get along because you should really hang out with us more.”

Lance faltered in his steps and they were right outside the cafe so Keith just stopped and turned to look at him. Lance just had this really exhausted expression of confusion painted all over his face. “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, I really appreciate this and all… but um, why?”

“You seem really cool and make me breakfast all the time and I haven’t been the best roommate. I’m sorry for that. I just… I’m not super great with people. I just thought it’d be nice to get to know you better, especially if we live together, you know?” Keith tried to explain, keeping it honest without revealing some of his deeper motives.

Lance nodded slowly, letting this information sink in. “Cool.” He pulled the door open and waited until Keith was inside before following behind a little warily.

Keith led the way to the table his friends normally sat at, finding the whole crew already there. “Hey, guys. This is my roommate, Lance.”

Hunk was the first one to look up, standing and holding out his hand. “What up, dude! We’ve been dying to meet you. Can’t believe Keith’s been holding out on us so long.” Pidge snorted behind him, standing up too and peeking from behind him to get a good look at Lance. 

Lance took Hunk’s hand with a massive smile. “Nice to meet you. I’m afraid I don’t know much about you guys.”

“I’m Hunk, this is Katie, but everyone calls her Pidge cuz she’s so short,” Hunk received a solid thump from Pidge for that one before she waved to Lance. “And that’s Shiro. He’s basically Keith’s older brother. Actually, Shiro’s kinda adopted all of us as his siblings. Except for Matt, obviously. Matt’s Pidge’s brother, but he isn’t here right now. Sorry, hold on. Am I going too fast?”

Lance shook his head. “Pidge is the short one, please don’t hit me I’m sorry,” Lance’s hands were up defensively but he had a mischievous smile Keith had never seen before. “And Shiro is going to be my bro and is probably dating Pidge’s older brother.”

Hunk’s grin brightened in pride. “Yep. Right on all accounts. Allura’s the one with the blonde hair next to Shiro and that’s pretty much everybody.” 

Lance seemed to fit right in with everyone. Keith kept an eye on him as they got settled in, but he didn’t seem to recognize Hunk as the person he had spoken with over the phone the night prior. Lance actually seemed like a totally different person around Keith’s friends. He was friendly and outgoing and confident. 

Keith hadn’t seen Lance like that in a long time. Not since Lance first moved in. 

In fact, Keith was so distracted by Lance’s radical personality change, he didn’t notice the way Lance was pulling his danish into a million pieces frantically. 

****

Everything was so loud and there was so many of them and Lance couldn’t breathe. They were so painfully nice, everything he didn’t deserve. He just kept seeing his sister’s face when he looked at Allura or Pidge or even Hunk. And he really didn’t want to get started on Hunk. 

This was just so painfully ironic. He tried really hard to believe they weren’t the same person but Hunk was a pretty unique name and they sounded exactly the same. Hunk didn’t mention it but Lance had this tight feeling in his chest that Hunk knew.

He didn’t deserve to be here why was Keith doing this?

“You have a really interesting accent.” Pidge spoke up, cutting into Lance’s racing thoughts.

His whole body ran cold. He shrugged saying something explanatory about growing up in Cuba but after that he had trouble keeping up with the conversation. He kept his smile and everything, but his danish was totally mutilated by this point. 

He was just annoying them. He hated his stupid fucking accent so much. They were probably having such a hard time understanding him and were wishing Keith hadn’t brought him along. He probably was just giving them a headache. It’d be better if he stopped speaking. 

His hands were all sticky now. He was making such a mess. He wondered if someone would notice that he hadn’t eaten a bite of this stupid danish. Doubtful. Keith hadn’t noticed that Lance hadn’t eaten in three days and had known him way longer than any of these people.

“Hey, Lance? You doing okay? You just dazed off there.” Shiro prompted gently, nudging him. 

Lance glanced up from his gross fingers, thankful that the others were too busy talking to notice.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Lance forced a grin at him. “Just didn’t sleep well last night.”

Shiro smiled. “If you go to bed at the same time every night, you might fall asleep easier.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard about that. Something like circadian rhythm, right? I wish I could, but college classes are killer.” Lance shrugged.

Shiro laughed. “Yeah, I don’t miss the homework load. You’ll get through it though. Do you mind if I tell you something?”

Shiro’s voice had lowered at that last sentence and it set Lance’s nerves on fire. He was probably going to tell Lance that he wished he hadn’t come. He was going to tell Lance that Keith actually wanted him to move out and just didn’t have the courage to tell him himse-

“Keith’s been a lot happier since you two moved in. He’d hate me for telling you this, but I think your company has done wonders for him. He hasn’t really had the best of luck in life. And he’s tough but… honestly, last year… I really thought I was going to lose him.” Shiro said, voice “staying soft. This was clearly just for Lance to hear.

None of those words made sense. Sure, Keith had mentioned a rough childhood, but… Keith couldn’t ever be depressed. Sure he rocked a lame emo aesthetic, but it was just a show. He worked out and spent tons of time with his friends. He had a schedule and… He was nothing like Lance. There’s no way he could ever have felt what Lance felt every day. And there was definitely no way that if he had, Lance could have been any help. Lance couldn’t even help himself because he was pathetic and weak. Really, if Keith had felt this, it just proved how much stronger his roommate really was.

He just smiled back though and managed a pathetic, “Glad I could help.”

Keith’s friends were great. But Lance didn’t fit in. He wasn’t supposed to be here. He was supposed to be dead. He was meant for the grave, destined to just die already. 

_ You should make an excuse to leave. Your accent is bugging them too, look at Shiro’s face when you speak. He can’t fucking understand he’s just too nice to say what everyone else has no problem voicing. You’re such a fuckup. How many people faze out their accents? Or speak clearly despite them. Pathetic. You are just an idiot really. It’s best if you stop trying. You’re never going to be one of those sexy foreign kids. You’re just alone and you either are going to be pitied or ignored. What kind of existence is that? Just go fucking die.  _

Lance cleared his throat nervously, collecting his demolished danish into a napkin to toss. Another one was clenched in his palm to clean his hands on the walk home. “I have, I have to, um… Go. Thanks for letting me join you guys this morning.”

He was too busy dodging their gazes and making sure he wasn’t leaving anything to give them some reason to follow him. He didn’t notice Hunk and Keith exchange sharp, panicked looks.

“Where are you headed?” Pidge piped up curiously.

Lance tried not to go all deer-in-headlights as he scrambled for something to feed them. “Class.”

Keith furrowed his brows and Lance could feel that sink in his stomach that meant he was caught. “You don’t have any classes until 5 today.” 

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Of course Keith was going to see through his lies. Keith knew his schedule, wasn’t too distracted by selfishness to not pay attention. He was maybe going to be sick he was shaking so hard. He just wanted to die. Why couldn’t he be left alone by everything long enough to follow through? Dammit, he was trying to do everyone a favor. Why was the universe suddenly acting like it mattered who was on the Earth and who wasn’t? Lance had never mattered a day in his life, not since Veronica’s car accident. Sometimes, Lance dreamt he could hear the tires screeching and the crunch of breaking glass. Sometimes, Lance could hear how he imagined she would have screamed in fear and it would get so loud he wished his head would just explode so he didn’t have to listen anymore. Sometimes, Lance pictured her mangled body and wished he could have gone in her place. Sometimes, Lance would sit in cars at red lights and think about just stepping on the gas after removing his seatbelt. 

The others seemed to be growing concerned at how he was standing, trembling and frozen, unable to stammer out some kind of half-assed excuse. Hunk was the first to react. 

“Lance?”

And Lance knew that Hunk knew for certain now and he felt so stupid. Hunk didn’t deserve this. Hunk just volunteered somewhere, he didn’t deserve to have to deal with work and home life blending together. 

He wasn’t proud of it, but he just fucking bolted. He stumbled out of that cafe and just sprinted into the street. He didn’t look for cars because he didn’t care. If he didn’t get hit, he’d run until he found the nearest river to fill his pockets with rocks and throw himself into. Something. Fucking anything that was productive in ending his goddamn fucking pathetic life. 

Somehow the streets were empty. Not even annoyed drivers blaring horns as they veered away. He just kept running, the fall of his feet heavy and his breathing erratic. 

He probably freaked Keith’s friends out. They’d forget about it though. He’d just be that weird kid they met once that ended up dying. No big deal. A little bump in the road.

And Keith was going on to do great things. Explore space or find a break through with some medical anomaly he could cure. Keith was brilliant. It didn’t matter how often Keith changed his major, he was going to find his calling and he would excel at it. And Lance? Lance was going to have his grave. 

Lance realized how much he liked running, enjoyed that burn in his throat, the cry of his muscles. If his body would let him, he could just run like this forever. It felt free and his head could be quiet while it was forced to focus on other things. 

He wasn’t sure if he just tripped and someone barrelled into him or if he was tackled, but suddenly, people were on top of him and he was face down on the ground. When he tried to get up, apologize, his wrists were held down. He squirmed under them, recognizing Keith on top of him. “Let me up, let me  _ go _ .”

“I can’t, Lance. I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Keith sighed quietly.

Lance could hear someone else on the phone, and it sounded like Hunk but he wasn’t sure what he was saying. It didn’t matter, Lance needed up. He needed to fucking die.

He didn’t mean to be saying anything out loud, but when he couldn’t throw Keith off of him, he started wailing. Like, hysterically. He was so fucking desperate and he had just lost that last thing he could fucking control.

He couldn’t even die right.

“I just want to die, just let me, let me die.  _ Please  _ just let me die. Fuck you, I… Keith,  _ please. LET ME GO!  _ Let me go, let me, let me go. Please, it’s none of your fucking business, just, just let me go. Keith. Please. Please. _ ”  _ Lance wasn’t even being held down so much anymore, as being held tightly in Keith’s arms and Lance was sobbing into Keith’s shirt. Another thing he had ruined. He was probably getting his sticky fingers all over it too. 

Keith just held him for a really long time. Eventually, Hunk was knelt next to the pair, rubbing Lance’s back soothingly. It took Lance way too long to even hear Hunk speaking soothingly to him. Hunk just kept repeating the same information over and over, as if he knew Lance wasn’t entirely in that moment. Lance was wrapped up in a world of syringes and people poking his brain. Of elderly women calling him lazy and over dramatic and childish. Of leering peers mocking his mispronunciations that he couldn’t fix no matter how hard he tried or punished himself for.

He had full sentences he couldn’t say properly according to every student at college ever memorialized in the thin white scars on his thighs. He practiced them while he drove the blade deeper and deeper. And he could never quite do it. The more blood he lossed, the more his words slurred.

He was lost in these spinning memories and nightmarish expectations, drowning in them. They flooded into his lungs with a fervor and burned him up from the inside out.

“-love you. I called an ambulance, Lance. They’re going to take you to the hospital. We’ll wait for you and visit you. They’ll do a little bit of a watch and then when you get out we’re going to get you the best support system. We’re all here for you, Lance. We’re here for you. You aren’t going through this alone. I called an ambulance Lance. We’ll go to the hospital together and you’ll be on a watch for a few days. Then we’ll set up a support system, a really, really good support system. All of us are going to be here with you. You’re not alone because you have people that care about you. People that like the way you speak, love the way you speak, and love who you are. I called an ambulance, Lance.”

*****

Keith was forced to wait in the waiting room. Hunk did most of the talking for him. Keith didn’t know how to pull himself together once he wasn’t trying to be strong for Lance. He felt guilty for making Hunk have to be the responsible person in this situation but this was really draining on Keith. He could see himself in where Lance was right now, a seventeen year old Keith who had just lost everything he had ever had and was so over it. His gloves covered up most of the damage he had done to his wrists. He had been lucky that he was so distraught he didn’t remember the “right” way to do it. 

Kids had given him hell for that. Shiro had gotten him a tattoo. And later, Shiro had gotten a tattoo himself. 

Lance’s screaming really brought all those thoughts back. Not that he wanted to act on them or anything, it was just a twisted, winding hall of memories he had rather wanted to repress. He wished he had known Lance was going through this sooner. At least Keith had Shiro the entire time. And he and Shiro were all but fully related. Lance on the other had, was in a country with no close friends.

As much as it pained Keith to admit it, he’d been a terrible roommate. He didn’t actually know that much about Lance. He hadn’t even known until today that Lance had siblings. Lance wasn’t going to look at any of their involvement as anything but them just pitying him for a really long time. He wasn’t going to see the wonderful people that Keith knew. He wasn’t going to see dorky Pidge and her desire to fight to the death to protect people she cared about. He wasn’t going to see Hunk’s soft, teddy bear person that stepped up when someone needed it most, selfless and wanting to help so much Keith was pretty sure it physically hurt to think there were people who’d do nothing. He wasn’t going to see Shiro as a big brother that wanted the best for him and had already been through this once and wasn’t about to let Lance ever hurt himself the way Keith had. Lance wasn’t going to see any of that. He’d see too kind strangers that were there because Keith made them out of guilt. 

And Keith didn’t know how to make any of it better.

“Keith, hey. Drink your coffee.” Hunk said warmly, nudging Keith to get his attention.

Keith blinked tiredly up at his friend. “I’m just worried about Lance.”

“Stop worrying. It’s a useless activity.” Hunk grinned, setting the coffee in Keith’s outstretched hand.

“Hypocrite,” Keith snorted. The coffee was a little too hot on his tongue but Keith couldn’t bring himself to mind.

“He’s going to be alright.” Hunk said after several moments of silence.

Keith wanted to question him, but he knew better. Hunk wasn’t saying it because it was the truth. Hunk was saying it because Hunk  _ needed  _ it to be the truth.

“You know I’m not huge on fighting, but I would probably not say no to you putting the fear of God in some of those jerks at your school.” Hunk mused, almost like he was talking to himself. Keith had to resist the urge to clench his fists.

“I wouldn’t say no to doing it either. But honestly, I can’t even be totally pissed with them. I’m sort of a major reason Lance didn’t have a friend. First day, he just grated on my nerves, you know? He was constantly trying to compete with me. And then it was kind of fun, but I don’t know. It was fun for like a week and I thought maybe we could be friends. And then suddenly it was like he was too busy competing with himself to even remember I was there. And he’d not even eat or sleep or shower, some days he was so preoccupied with schoolwork. I just chalked it up to the usual midterm stress, you know? You should have met him when he first moved here, Hunk. You two would have gotten on so well. He was confident and happy-go-lucky. He  reminded me of that one kid that used to be attached to your hip when you were growing up. You know, the one you always talked about… That was Lance. He was almost annoyingly vain, and he had all these products that took up our whole bathroom. I haven’t seen them in awhile, actually. God, I didn’t even pay attention to how bad he was spiralling.”

“Keith, stop it. You know better than a lot of people that depression is something people try very hard to hide. They don’t want to get better. Even if you had caught on right away, which no one would have expected you to as you had only been living together for so long, he likely would have just started hiding it better, pretending to be better than he was. And it would have burned him up way faster. We might not even have been able to help him. It doesn’t matter either way, because this situation is happening right now. And he is going to come out of watch and he’s going to need people to help him through this.”

“He’s lucky to have you guys.” Keith confessed quietly, staring at the light reflecting on the surface of his coffee. 

Hunk smiled like he knew what Keith was trying to say. “We weren’t the ones that knew he was about to flee. There’s no way any of us would have had the sense to go after him like you did.”

Keith choked on a sob, hating the memory of Lance like that. It was heart wrenching and desperate. And nothing Lance should ever be. “What are we going to do Hunk?” 

“The best we can.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He doesn't have an eating disorder, however he often doesn't eat because he can't work up the energy to feed himself or doesn't think he deserves it.   
> Thank you so much for reading. Comments are appreciated. If you need to vent about literally anything or if this in someway was hard on you please don't hesitate to go to someone. Me or someone you trust.   
> Have a fantastic day. Please know there are people out there who care. I love all of you so much!   
> I'm also exhausted and rambling and I apologize.)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I do plan on having more chapters, however, it might take some time for me to get them out. I am out of town next week and frankly, this does take a small toll on my mental health. However, it's too important for me to write this and it is in part, therapeutic so... here we are.   
> Comments are greatly appreciated. If you read and need someone to talk to, especially if you are going through this or have questions, I would love to be there for you. Feedback is also quite beneficial!


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